I
n Judeo-Christian mythology, God killed 2.3 million people and Satan killed 10. And unlike God, Satan never ordered humans to commit murder. He accepts God’s unwanted children unconditionally, but God’s “love” is more conditional than an abusive husband. Satan encourages humans to use free will and stay free of ignorance (The Tree in Eden), while God discourages human cooperation (Tower of Babel) and hypocritically punishes the vain as well as those who don’t praise him.
And in reality, millions have been killed in the name of the Abrahamic God, yet how many Satanic cults have attempted genocide or carried out fanatic holy wars? Was it Luficer who recruits children to fight pointless wars in Africa? Or a human on the other team? How many devil-worshippers run political campaigns and convince hundreds of millions to give up reason and science, and adopt sexist, racist and homophobic ideology? If there is an evil spirit tricking us, lying to us, and manipulating our deeds, and it has been around for a billion years or more, I would think he would be skilled enough to trick more than a few humans here and there who enjoy heavy metal on occasion.
These are the things I think about when I’m pondering the far-fetched notion that there could be a god and devil. If it turns out I’m wrong about atheism, I think I’ll be alright in the end.
In the wake of Pastor Sean Harris advocating the abuse of flamboyant children, churches covering up sex abuse, unwelcome visits by the Westboro Baptist Church, a pair of very unwelcome Mormons entering my house without permission, accusations that I’m going to burn in Hell, politicians telling me I’m an enemy of my country because I don’t believe in God, and other fun stuff, the last couple years have been pretty much a no-brainer for me in my difficult dilemma of do-I-base-decisions-on-reason-or-an-invisible-man-in-the-sky-who-threatens-me-like-I’m-an-abused-spouse. And then there was this letter I received in the mail today. Holy fucking wow. Here’s my story:
I had just finished eating my atheistic dinner of steamed kale, brown rice, and an infant, when I decided to go through my mail. Burlington Telecom was asking for money, the United Way wanted me to fill out a survey, and then uh, I can’t even finish. Here. Take a look. And sorry about the shitty iPhone photo. I was so exited, I didn’t even bother turning on my scanner.
This was slightly easier to read than that email from the friendly Nigerian man whose poor father died.
And the back. No wasted space.
“These Websites May Harm Your Computer And Brain Function”
“…bless the one whose hands open this letter.”
A THREAT?!?
How dare they? Okay, I can play this game. Look! No hands!
Danger averted. Consequently, that’s the same ceremonial dagger I used to make my dinner.
Inside the envelope was a rug. Made out of paper. They wanted me to kneel on it to pray or something.
I hear the J-Man laid down some major “rug” in his time.
The text at the bottom reads (complete with run-on sentences and stupid capitalization):
Look into Jesus’ Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes. Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer rug. Do not keep it.The opening eyes bit must be particularly effective to the unwitting religious fanatic. One of the most common arguments I hear in my debates with Abrahamic theists are their fallacious beliefs that unexplained phenomenon are evidence of the supernatural and are devoid of simple, empirical explanation. There was also a bunch of other stuff talking about mailing the rug back so they could send it to someone else. So at first I thought it was some sort of strange chain letter from some crackpot missionary church. But in the envelope, there were even more ingredients to this magical cesspool:
And on the next page: “Daemon Rushes to Save Boy-Bat Trapped in Cave” by Dick Siegel
At this point I decided it was prudent to do a little research. I took me 0.23 seconds using my godless reason-powered search engine to discover that the St. Matthews Church is a scam organization. Woaoaoah big surprise. Didn’t see that coming. Then I read that they’re a Christian Ministry. A real church. Actually three churches across the country. And thousands of poor ignorant people go to these churches. Okay, no sarcasm here. At this point I’m shocked. Why? Because in America, CHURCHES DON’T PAY TAXES. And to double the damage, they hold tax exempt nonprofit organization status, which gives you, the dumbass, tax incentives to give this church additional money that they don’t deserve. And here’s what I mean: In 2007, they made $6 million per month. So the taxes that these low-income struggling families (who are the targets of these letters) are paying are helping keep these churches ludicrously rich. And then the church tricks them into sending them MORE money for prayers that will go unanswered, because duh, all prayers go unanswered.
Does Jesus accept EBT or food stamps?
Okay so anyway, the letter asked me to send them money and return the rug of Jesus which I almost wiped my ass with (the only reason I didn’t was because I was afraid the bishop had already wiped his ass with it and I might get the VD which he contracted from one of his rape victims. Also, I didn’t have to poop). There was also a note saying I had a special prophecy, but I’m not allowed to open it until I send them the ransom money and the ass rug. But because I don’t believe in God, I opened it anyway.
CAPS LOCK TEXT BOMB
If they’re going to use their god in an attempt to rape my intellectual dignity, they could at least have the common courtesy to make their deceptive words reader-friendly. I’m not fucking reading this. You can if you want, but don’t complain to me if you get a headache.
In conclusion… I don’t have a conclusion. I like happy endings where the bad people choke on their own feces and metaphorically die in horrible agony. But this is America, where the churches get our money and they’re free to spend on it bigotry, politicians, and con schemes. But hey, at least I got this cool poster!
If you look carefully, you can see Jesus opening his eyes.
I love the “Evolution is just a theory” argument. As if the word “theory” should be taken so lightly. Scientific theory is the final echelon of certainty in explaining natural phenomenon. Evolution is not fact because evolution is not data, and it should be accepted as theory in the same manner as the theory of gravity or heliocentrism.
Enthroned - Obsidium
Release: 2012March20
Label: Agonia Records
Rating: 4.5/5
Composition: 5/5
The songs flow well from one to another, and each one has something to offer. The first track, “Sepulchred Within Opaque Slumber”, is the most engaging, opening with a brief choral intro, and blasting into agonizing (in a good way) black metal with a few crusty hooks that help make it fun and easy to enjoy.
Musicianship: 4/5
You can definitely tell they’ve been playing their instruments for a very long time. The drums are tight and unrelenting, the guitars do their job, even if the riffs aren’t technical or innovative. But hey, this is black metal. Fuck you.
Production: 3/5
The production value of Obsidium sounds very… digital. The instruments are so tight an on time that I can only assume they recorded to a click track. But it sounds heavy and powerful, and the mechanical sound is not necessarily a bad thing. But it does take away from the “occult” feel which Enthroned is trying to achieve. I don’t know if I should chalk it up to Nornagest or the producer, but the vocals sound devastatingly vicious and evil.
True Black Metallists wear zip-up hoodies. The pull-over kind do a number on our hair.
Mood (hatred): 4/5
Presentation (Ferocity): 5/5
The mood is trying to compliment the occult theme of the lyrics. At times it succeeds—especially the backing choir, even if at times it seems a bit trite. Overall, the mechanically rigid production quality, constant blast beats, and demonesque vocals leaves you with a hateful pit in your heart.
Origin (Tradition): 4/5
Enthroned may not be one of the original trend-setting black metal bands, but they’ve been carrying their own torch since the early 90’s. They’ve had to deal with some of the fucked up shit (such as suicide) that many of those other “important” bands have, but unlike so many of those bands, they’re still doing what they originally set out to do—make good fucking black metal.
A diabolic offering from one of the world’s most steadfast black metal bands, Obsidium gets better the louder you crank your stereo. It will most likely be on my playlists for a while. Oh yeah, and make sure to check out my interview with Nornagest.
If I was basing Obsidium's review on this photo retouching, it would have received an "F".
Towards The Skullthrone Of Satan (1997)
I was recently graced with the opportunity to interview Nornagest—the frontman of Enthroned, a band that has been around since the early 90′s. I can still remember my first time listening to them. It was on the Burlington waterfront, and I had just bought 1997′s Towards The Skullthrone Of Satan on CD at Disc-Go-Round. It wasn’t my first time hearing black metal, but it was definitely the point where I said to myself: “holy shit, this stuff is real.” None of the original members of Enthroned are in today’s lineup (Cernunnos, the founder and original drummer committed suicide prior to the album), but Towards The Skullthrone Of Satan was Nornagest’s first recording with the band. Though back then, he only held the role of guitarist and backup vocalist (the frontman was Lord Sabathan—and if I dare say, he sounded a bit like Frau Farbissina from the Austin Powers movies). Enthroned’s latest album, Obsidium, will be released March 20, 2012. And here’s the fucking interview:
Breath Of Mozym: You’ve been with Enthroned for about almost two decades. How many interviews do you think you’ve done?
Nornagest: Too many haha! This is my 57th only regarding the Obsidium promotion.
Obsidium (2012)
What are some of the lyrical themes in Obsidium?
Obsidium is a part of a concept involving our two previous albums. You could compare it to a television series—each album is a new season of the tale. The concept can be then traced back to Tetra Karcist, which dealt with the reality of occultism—how things are within the occult—without gimmick. Pentagrammaton retraced the experiences which spurred from the doctrines and practices of Tetra Karcist. Now with Obsidium, the concept deals with what we learned and our achievements from those experiences—all written in a way that only people who are actually within the occult circle can understand fully.
In what ways do you think the band has matured since the debut?
First of all, I’ve been more severe when it comes to my band members: Everyone should agree with the belief system of Enthroned. This is the way to keep the band stable and to prevent emergence of weakness. Musically, we are deeply rooted in a tradition from which we have no intention of straying; although, some things can change a bit from time to time, which makes the band what it is. Of course we are coming up with new ideas and influences, principally from our own life experiences, but this doesn’t mean we would change our direction or concept. Through the years, I learned to see this band as a brotherhood where there is no place for betrayal or any kind of attitude that would put the essence of the band in danger.
Favorite Black Metal bands, both new and old?
Bathory, Hellhammer, Darkthrone, Impaled Nazarene, Archgoat, Beherit, Sarcofago, Funeral Mist, Necros Christos, Mgla, Blasphemy, Belial, Abruptum (old only), Mayhem, Morbid, Antaeus, Arkhon Infaustus, Demoncy, Bestial Warlust among others.
Are there any bands or genres you fervently dislike?
Everything without inspiration, insipid and without any spirit in it.
What are some of your non-metal and non-musical influences? Authors or philosophers perhaps?
I’m a very eclectic person. Sometimes that shocks fans, but shall I really care? Ha! I wouldn’t necessarily speak of influences, although what you are listening to often unconsciously influences in one way or another, but I really appreciate the music of artists or bands such as Madrugada, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, or Grinderman, Suicide Commando (Axis of Evil is a must!), Led Zepplin, Asteroid—but also lots of world music and classical works, such as Wagner, Berlioz, Dvorak and Stravinsky. As for literature or occultism, the classics of Aleister Crowley, Blavatsy and Samuel Lidell MacGregor Mathers are a must.
What do you appreciate most about this world and what disgusts you the most about it?
All and nothing. Everything is based on a point of view, situations, and education. One thing that I appreciate within this world would be its constant evolution through all those twists. The human race is an interesting subject of observance and I have a certain fascination for its own ability to destroy itself. One might say that he is disgusted by morons and the idiocy of most people, but even if I do agree, sometimes I love to observe such persons, as they are quite fascinating… in their very own way, haha!
What hobbies do you and your band mates have outside of the band?
We are much like everyone else… going out with friends, trips, some are painting like Neraath, other are playing World of Warcraft in their spare time (but we still have a life haha)… as I said, except the fact that we are deeply involved within occultism, we are pretty normal people.
What are your favorite films?
David Lynch movies, Begotten, historical movies I like the humor in the Hellraiser movies, Shawn of the Dead…
Where are your favorite countries to tour and why?
Definitely South and Latin America, those people are real maniacs and really devoted. Russia, Ireland and France are pretty awesome as well.
What do you foresee in the future for Enthroned?
Working on the up coming tours, concerts and maybe a special release for our 20 years of existence.
Any closing comments? Life advice for the fans?
Thanx for the interview! And for the fans out there who would have the idea to start a BM band: Don’t do it unless you have a sincere and honest reason to do so. There are enough gimmicks in this genre!
It seems to me in my simple but unobstructed thoughts, that if you are against the idea of people having abortions, the best course of action in the contraception debate, is to support legislation that grants people easier access to contraception. But instead of sharing a bite, you eat the whole fucking cake, and you spray the public with your irrational morals which you cherry-picked from a thousand-year-old document composed by insane and tyrannical kings like diarrhea in a wind storm. There’s a reason public defecation is illegal.
I recently found the web page AllDeadMormonsAreNowGay.com on Reddit. Oddly, it was under r/WTF, rather than r/Atheism. I’d say there’s not really a “what the fuck” about it. It’s a satirical gesture poking fun at the Mormon church’s douchebaggery.
The text on the page reads:
Sadly, many Mormons throughout history have died without having known the joys of homosexuality. With your help, these poor souls can be saved.
Simply enter the name of your favorite dead Mormon in the form below and click Convert! Presto, they’re gay for eternity. There is no undo.
Don’t know any dead Mormons? Click the “Choose-a-Mormon” button and we’ll find one for you. You’re welcome!
Still don’t get it?
Well, the LDS church in their ultimate PR wisdom thinks it’s okay to convert and baptize people after they have already died. Take for instance Mitt Romney, who baptized his dead father-in-law, a staunch atheist. Bill Maher swiftly unbaptized him, fortunately.
There’s even a blurb at the bottom of AllDeadMormonsAreNowGay.com stating that holocaust victims are not eligible, which is the final retaliatory smack in the face. Yes, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints targets Jewish holocaust survivors for their baptisms. Even ones that are still alive. Jewish holocaust survivor and Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel brought this to public attention recently after he found his name on a genealogy database run by Mormons to be used to baptize him after he dies.
According to Wikipedia, the LDS church has had the cojones to baptize people such as the Founding Fathers, various US presidents, and to sync up along with their book’s white supremacism, Adolf Hitler.
